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Filipino Jokes Time

Postby domondon1 » 07 Jul 2015, 00:34

To all Filipino out there here some tagalog and english jokes that will make your day OK
and you can add some additional joke,please upvote my post if you like it and i will post more joke for you,Thank you
Credit to the original who post this jokes

Joke#1
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BF: may malaki ako problema.
GF: wag mo sabihin problema mo lang problema natin dahil nagmamahalan tayo. ngayon ano problema natin?
BF: nabuntis natin si inday at tayo ang ama

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Mom: baby, you're good in math. Now I'm going to ask you a question.
Baby: sure mom
Mom: if your daddy gives you 3 apples and I give you 4 apples, what's your answer?
Baby: thank you po!!

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Killer: father mangungumpisal po ako
Father: ano kasalanan mo?
Killer: pumatay po ako ng 20 tao
Father: bakit?
Killer: kasi po naniniwala sila sa Diyos, kayo po naniniwala ba?
Father: dati...pero ngayon trip trip na lang

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1 panget na babe, hinoholdap

Holdaper: holdap ito! akin na gamit mo!
Babae: RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!
Holdaper: anong rape? holdap nga to eh!
Babae: wala lang! nagsusuggest lang...

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Priest: ang mga bakla'y walang lugar sa kaharian ng langit
Mga bakla: carry lang po father...dun na lang kami sa rainbow mag slide-slide!!!

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Lawyers

A lawyer walks into a courtroom, places his satchel on the floor, and says
"Your Honour, I rest my case."
Unfortunately, he was thrown in jail for showing the judge his briefs.

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Q: What has 100 teeth and can hold back a huge monster?
A: My zipper.

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: "I can do better."

Q: What did he say after he created woman?
A: "Guess I was wrong!"

Q: What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control?
A: A trip without the kids

Q: What do you call a planetarium in the basement?
A: A stellar cellar

Q: What do you call a piece of wood with nothing to do?
A: A bored Board.

Q: What do you call an escaped gander?
A: A Loose Goose

Q: What do you call a shady place to swim?
A: A cool pool

Q: What do you call a female duck disguised as a male?
A: A fake drake

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My Confession

A young man enters the confessional box and says,
"Farther, I’ve had sex with two eighteen year old nymphomaniac twins
every night of this week"
“Disgusting! What kind of Catholic are you?" Reprimands priest.
"I'm not a Catholic,” replies the young man.
"Then why are you telling me this?" say the priest.
"Hey I’m telling everyone!”

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Son (S) : Why is making love so enjoyable.
Father (F) : It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger !!

S : Why do women enjoy sex more than man
F : It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger.

S: Why do women hate it when they get raped .
F: It is like when you are walking on the street,someone else come over and dig your nose, do you like it ??

S: Why woman cannot have sex when they are having menstruation?
F: If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it ??

S: Why man do not like to wear condoms when they are making love.
F: Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger.

S: Why are making love carried out in private?
F: Will you dig you nose in front of your class? Stupid!

S: What is an orgasm ?
F:The same as sneezing. but the the other way round

S: Is it true that women love big dicks ?
F: Ever tried picking your nose with your thumb ?

S: What's anal sex?
F: Picking your mouth

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Top Ten Rejection Lines Given By Women.

(What it really means)
1 I think of you as a brother (What it really means)
You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing dude in Deliverance

2 There's a slight difference in
our ages (What it really means)

I don't want to play with my dad.

3 I'm not attracted to you in
'that' way. (What it really means)

You’re the most ugly b****** I've
ever laid eyes on.

4 My life is too complicated right
now (What it really means)

I don’t want you spending the
whole night as you might hear
phone calls from all the other
guys I'm seeing.

5 I've got a boyfriend (What it really means)
I’d rather spend the night with
the TV and a half-gallon tub of
Ben and Jerry's.

6 I don't date men where I work (What it really means)
I wouldn't date you if you were
the only guy in the country let
alone the same building.

7 It's not you, it's me (What it really means)
It's you!

8 I'm concentrating on my career (What it really means)
Even something as boring and
unfulfilling as my job is better
than dating you.

9 I'm celibate (What it really means)
Or I’d rather be than sleep with
you.

10 Let's be friends (What it really means)
I want you to stay around so I can
tell you in excruciating detail
about all the other men I meet
and have sex with.

-------------------------------

Top Ten Rejection Lines Given By Men.
(What it really means)

1 I think of you as a sister. (What it really means)
You're ugly

2 There's a slight difference in
our ages (What it really means) You're butt ugly

3 I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (What it really means)
You're ugly and you’re making me feel sick thinking about it.

4 My life is too complicated right now. (What it really means)You're ugly. But stick around 10 beers might change my view!

5 I've got a girlfriend (What it really means) And she’s better looking than you.

6 I don't date women where I
work (What it really means) Do I look desperate?

7 It's not you, it's me (What it really means) I’ve got a hang over and can’t drink the required amount of beer for you to look anything but ugly.

8 I'm concentrating on my career. (What it really means) My secretary is better looking than you and I’m seeing her
tonight.

9 I'm celibate. (What it really means) Get lost its football in TV tonight.

10 Let's be friends. (What it really means) I need some laundry doing would you mind doing it?

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Maid: What do you want, sir?
Visitor: I want to see your master.
Maid: Whatís your business, please?
Visitor: There is a bill...
Maid: Ah! He left yesterday for his village...
Visitor: Which I have to pay him...
Maid: And he returned this morning.

-------------------------------

THE GLASS

There is a glass half full of water:

Mathematician: the glass is half full

Physicist: the glass is half empty

Engineer: the glass is too big

-------------------------------

IT’S SAID THAT

OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just re-crystallize
OLD WEATHERMEN never die, they reign forever
OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD STUDENTS never die, they just get degraded
OLD ENGINEERS never die, they just lose their bearings
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just do it until it Hz
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contact

-------------------------------

BOY: "Daddy? How did i come into this world?"
DAD: Listen carefully.
"Mom and Dad met in a cyber cafe. In the restrooms of that cyber cafe, dad connected to mom. Mom at that time made some downloads from Dad's memory stick. When dad finished uploading, we discovered we did not use firewall. Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later we ended up with a virus."

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NO SIGNAL
A policeman saw a man on the top floor of a building.
Police: 'Wag kang tatalon! Marami pang nagmamahal sa 'yo!
Man: Tumahimik ka! 'Wag mo kong pakialaman! 'Di ako maka-send!

-------------------------------

Father: Dad, totoo bang may side effect ang Viagra?
Son: Tanga, sa harap ang effect niyan hindi sa side.

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SUKO SA MISTER:
Mrs 1: Suko na ako sa mister ko, lagi na lang ako
binubugbog bago niroromansa...
Mrs 2: Mas grabe yung mister ko. Binubugbog ako tapos
si Inday ang niroromansa.

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PAGOD DAW.....
Mrs: Ano ba? Two days na tayong kasal, 'la pa rin.
Mr: Kasi pagod ako.
Mrs: Sige ka, pag ayaw mo, maghahanap ako ng lalaki.
Mr: Sige, gawin mong dalawa, tig isa tayo!

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